Nov17
Nov2
Long’s 305 Slideshow Project
Oct31
Three Ways to Slim Down While Getting Fatter
el·e·phan·tine
[el-uh-fan-teen] adj. 1. denoting, relating to, or characteristic of an elephant or elephants 2. huge, clumsy, or ponderous
With Halloween barely behind us, Thanksgiving is right around the corner and frankly who doesn’t like thanksgiving? You would have to be crazy to look t this picture and be like, “Naw, I don’t like any of that.” If you did look at this picture and say that then I don’t care if you don’t like any of that because that’s exactly what people say when they look at you!
Okay…I realize things got a little out of hand back there and I would just like to say that I’m sorry. I just get a little uneasy when Thanksgiving gets so close that I already taste those mouth watering yams with melted marshmallows on top…Mmmmmm…
I guess my point is that this is the time when people get fat! When I say fat, I don’t mean like a pudgy belly fat, I mean like full on Michelin Man fat! (Reference: Obese)
Look at him with his smug, devil-may-care attitude toward life… He may be smiling on the outside but he’s crying like a little baby on the inside.
If you don’t want to be like him then I’m here to offer a few tips of exercise during Thanksgiving.
1) Turkey Curls
This is very simple and relaxing exercise. Find you turkey and do a set of 20 curls pre-thaw, post-thaw, pre-cooked, and post-cooked. The best part about the exercise is that each time you visit your turkey it will be smelling better and better. On you final visit you may even be so inclined as to take a bite out the turkey on your final curl. Not only is this acceptable but it’s encouraged.
2) Gravy Lunges
The concept of this one is as simple as it sounds. That’s right, all you have to do it take a moat of hot gravy, balance it on your head, and do lunges. It’s as easy as that! Plus there’s a little extra incentive to hold perfect form because if you don’t keep that back straight, then you’re gonna get a face full of steaming, hot gravy and have bigger problems than that when people find out you spilled all the gravy…
3) Meal Circuit
The other two will help cut those calories on Turkey Day, but this last one is the bread winner. The average person probably takes around three different foods for their plate on Turkey however, for this exercise the more food you take, the better. Each separate food that you take should be scattered in different parts of the house. The objective here is to eat all you food as fast as possible without puking, but the catch is that you can only take one bite of food before you have to go to a different type of food. Sprinting is encouraged to successfully complete this workout. (Disclaimer: No one has ever successfully completed this work out.)
Oct25
Players of the Halloween Scene
ca·pri·cious
[kuh-prish-uhs] adj. 1. characterized by or liable to sudden unpredictable changes in attitude or behaviour; impulsive; fickle.
Okay, maybe you weren’t invited to a monster mash this way, but you undoubtedly have plans for your Halloween weekend. Now this is probably the only party in the year where people will actually show who they really are. This isn’t to say that if someone dresses up like a superhero that they are a superhero, but rather they are simply someone who has an over-sized ego and thinks of them self as a superhero. In a way these costumes may deceive you at first, but fear not for the attitudes and behaviors will suddenly change the second you actually talk to these characters (hey, wait a second isn’t that the definition of the big word in bold at the top?) Think of this as your own personal playbill to any and all Halloween parties.
The Joker
If you see anyone dressed up as the Joker from The Dark Knight then just avoid him altogether. It’s not so much that he’s crazy, it’s just that he’s living in the past and he won’t be very much fun to talk to. That Dark Knight came out in 2008 dude, just let it go…
The Bunny
The bunny costume is the obvious choice for the crazy chic who has daddy issues and now needs constant attention from every guy she comes across. This is accurately portrayed in just about any and all high school or college comedies to date. Seriously, as hot as she looks, it’s just not worth it…
The Shirtless Guy
This guy can appear as anything but an obvious choice is to go as a Spartan from 300. This guy usually has no where near the body necessary to pull this off but lives in a fantasy world where he dreams of a day when he can. If he does have a body to pull this off then he’s usually showoff douchebag. Admittedly, I have been the former…
The Banana
The banana is someone you just can’t trust. This can be a girl or guy, but either way they have a secret and/or are very insecure. This makes them the most dangerous person at the party because there is a lot of extra space in that costume and you don’t know what they may be hiding in there. Roofies or guns, it makes no difference. I can’t stress this enough, STAY AWAY FROM THE BANANA!
The Green Man
This guy is the guy who usually isn’t the funniest one out of his group of friends. He thought it would be hilarious and earn him some serious street cred from his friends if he went as the green man from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, but he forgot the part where the suit covers his entire body. At whatever stage in the party you see him at, he’ll be seriously depressed either because he’s starting to realize it’s impossible for him to be funny or just because he can’t partake in any of the fun activities that a Halloween party provides. This should be called the Debbie Downer costume…
Well, that just about wraps up this playbill for us. There are many more to watch out for so don’t limit your opinions of only the costumes I’ve shown here. Make sure you scrutinize and judge everyone at your party or other wise you could end up in a very precarious situation on your Halloween night.
Oct18
A Human History and the Apocalypse to Hope For
pre·pon·der·ate
[pri-pon-duh-reyt] v. (-at·ed, -at·ing.) 1. to be superior in power, force, influence, number, amount, etc.
The Verdict:
Let’s take one quick recap: human flesh craving ex-humans, servant turned master killing machines, and force fields and rays guns. Yup, that just about sums it up. In the end, we would suffer an exponential amount of casualties, but as for which one we’re most ready for, well, that would have to be…
zombies because of their stupidity and lack of weapons. Just because we’re ready for them, doesn’t mean we’re ready to wipe them out, but rather just survive longer than the others. In the end, our greatest weapon is Will Smith considering that he has beaten all three of these before. So, when zombies, robots or aliens come knocking on your door, you go knocking on his.
Oct11
A Human History and the Apocolypse’s of the Future: 3 Lightyears Away
het·er·och·tho·nous
[het-uh-rok-thuh-nuhs] adj. 1. not indigenous; foreign.
If only this is what our foreign space friends were like...
But they’ll probably be more like this…
Chapter 3: Aliens
The pyramids, Stone Hedge, the movie Paul. These are all proof that aliens exist (and in some cases have a sense of humor). Aliens are out there people, and if there’s one thing we can all agree on about them, it’s that they’re smarter than us. Now when they come to our planet, it’s either because theirs has been blown up and they need a new home or they’re on a conquest for galactic domination. Either way, we’re screwed. I mean, have you ever heard of a foreigner going to a new land and peacefully living amongst the natives? We all saw Avatar (AKA Pocahontas AKA a true story). And we know how that played out…
The very fact that they will have attained space travel proves that they are smarter than us, and that means they’re probably going to have force fields and ray guns. The rest really needs no explanation.
Our only silver lining here is that they will be fighting on our home turf. We can only pray that they land in one of our happier places so that it looks like we have something to offer by not killing us. Cross our fingers it’s Harry Potter land and that they have ALWAYS wanted to try a butterbeer.
Oct4
A Human History and the Apocolypse’s of the Future 2.0: Y2WTF?!
sen·tient
[sen-shuhnt] adj. 1. having the power of sense perception or sensation; conscious.
Chapter 2: Robots
With our technology advancing at the rate it is, it’s only a matter of time before our smartphones become too smart. Have you ever seen the movie IRobot? Do you think that title was a coincidence? Me neither.
Robots are going to be here in the blink of an eye and when they do arrive, they will come programmed to know one thing: everything. They will be able to tap in and find all of our information at the drop of a hat. This means intercepting all communication and then cutting us off from each other. Moreover, who do you think is making these robots? I mean yeah sure, humans thought of them but then they just had machines (AKA the working class of robots) make them. So in essence, they are literally building their army.
Once again, like Superman, these robots have a weakness and it’s a big one. They will all undoubtedly run on one network much like Skynet in Terminator. This means if you take out the network, you take them out. Maybe if you study works like Sun Tzu’s the Art of War, you will be able to outwit this master network. Just keep in mind that it has been studying too.
Sep26
A Human History and the Apocalypse’s of the Future pt. 1
This week will kick off the first of a three part exploration into the future of the human condition as we know it. (Disclaimer: Some facts and ideas portrayed in the upcoming series may make too much sense, which could lead to deep, foreboding feeling that your existence is limited. This is not for the faint of heart.)
bel·li·cose
[bel-i-kohs] adj. 1. warlike; aggressive; ready to fight
Life is good, so good in fact that we’re obsessed with our ultimate demise. We broadcast fears of apocalypses like Y2K and 2012 because we want to know how our story will play out. If we’re going to look at our end of days then we’re not looking in the right places. Yeah, sure the History channel has had about a million features on Nostradamus and all of his predictions about how our world will end, but the truth is that we don’t need the History channel to tell us how the world will end. We already know. Our generation has played countless video games and seen countless movies that have all had one of THREE different apocalypses. We know the way our world will end and frankly, we couldn’t be more prepared for it. The only uncertainty is which one we’re most ready for?
Chapter 1: Zombies
Now over the years there have been many variations of zombie stories. With that in mind we must define what a zombie is before we can place it in our pool of apocalypses and battle it. In movies like Zombieland and 28 Weeks later, the zombies are capable of running, but in classic zombie stories like Night of the Living Dead and even contemporary books like World War Z, zombies can only walk at a mildly fast speed. Now even if the zombies couldn’t run, they would be a horrific plague, but we’ll say that zombies will have full motor functions in their legs capable of running (I mean this is a realistic apocalypse not an I’m-gonna-pretend-to-fight-something-I-know-I-can-beat-ocaplyse).
Now a zombie’s greatest strength could easily be compared to Superman in the sense that they only have one weakness: the brain. It’s a little ironic really considering that eating brains seems to be their sole purpose in life but at the end of the day destroying their brains turns the living dead into, well, the dead. Be careful though, when fighting a zombie you have to always take into account that a mere scratch from one will leave you with one major appetite for some o’ Ma’s signature brain stew.
Now that we have take into account the cons, let’s look at two really big pros. The first is that ANYTHING can be used as a weapon against them. If you can use a pink, fluffy bear to pop off one of their heads then you’ve got yourself a zombie-killing weapon. Anything will work because they’re not smart enough to use anything but their own body as a weapon, which brings us to our second pro. They’re not smart enough to do anything except follow there hunger for human flesh. This makes us the superior intelligence meaning that we should be able to outsmart them. That is, if we can outsmart them before we become them.
Sep19
How To Make an 8 Things Every Guy Should Do List
I have made an executive decision to define a word this week that everyone seems to know instead of one that no one knows.
re·dun·dant
[ri-duhn-duh'nt] adj. 1. characterized by verbosity or unnecessary expressing of ideas.
They say that everyone is a critic and whoever they are, they’re right. However maybe everyone is a critic because everyone thinks they’re an expert. I didn’t think that anything could annoy me on the computer more than pop-ups but I have been proved wrong by “How-To” Guides and “# of Things Everybody Should Know” posts.
To show you how easy and pointless these are, I’m going to dedicate this blog to doing both. In order to do these right however I have to do the two most overdone guides and posts out there: How To Get Abs and 8 Things Every Guy Should Do Before He Dies.
How To Get Abs…FAST!!!
1) Eat Right!!! Abs are made in the kitchen, not in the gym so don’t forget it. Eat “good” fats like avocado and olive oil.
2) Cross Training is Cardio with Benefits!!! Don’t spend all your time at the gym doing cardio because studies have shown that performing exercises (i.e dumbell flies) back to back is the best aerobic exercise there is.
3) Get Loads of Sleep!!! Everybody loves sleep but the national average amount of sleep for America is only 4-6 hours. The problem with this is that lack of sleep can cause health problems in both your body and your mind. For our purpose this keeps your body from repairing itself fully, which can decrease your gains.
Just follow those three steps and you’ll get REALLY RIPPED ABS!!!
8 Things Every Guy Should Do Before He Dies
1) Slay a Motha F***in’ Dragon! Guys love dragons but chics love guys who SLAY DRAGONS. Slay a dragon = Babes All Over You.
2) Eat a whole can of Motha F***in’ Spinach! Have you ever seen Popeye?? He’s ripped! Like you’ll be if you eat spinach. Chics love ripped guys.
3) Grow a Motha F***in’ Beard! Beards are birthed from TESTOSTERONE EAGLES! No chic can resist a nice beard.
4) Swim the Motha F***in’ Atlantic Ocean! If you can swim the Atlantic Ocean and survive, then you can get any chic on the planet!
5) Jump Out of a Motha F***in’ Airplane! Jumping out of an airplane makes girls think that you’re an angel coming down from heaven for them. Chics <3 Angels bigtime!
6) Wrestle a Motha F***in’ Bear! Show mother nature what you think of her strongest animal. Once you best the bear, mother nature will have no choice but to name you Father Nature. Then you get to make tons of chics for yourself!
7) Drink a Motha F***in’ Cloud! You’ll be so hydrated that you won’t need to take a break to drink anything all day. This means you maximize your chic-wooing time, which means more chics…
8 ) Give Birth to a Motha F***in’ Baby! When chics see that you’re capable of giving birth, they’ll think that you’re caring a nurturing, which is everything that they want!You’ll literally have to fight to keep chics off of you. Well, that’s if you want them off…
Go anywhere on the web and you’ll essentially see people writing this stuff everywhere.
Sep12
The Road Less Traveled
pil·grim·age
[pil-gruh-mij] n. (plural -aged, -ag·ing) 1. a journey or long search made for exalted or sentimental reasons.
Life is a funny thing with all of it’s high roads and low roads, twists and turns, mountains and valleys. I think somewhere along the road we’re supposed to get lost, if only so that we can find our way back and realize that what we were looking for was right in front of us the whole time. Losing yourself is inevitable, but how you get lost is another story. Some people feel like if they stay on the beaten path then they’ll always know exactly what their next move is, whereas others of us choose to walk amongst the rough earth and tall trees in hopes that one day, we might just lose ourselves to something more.
About a year ago Levi started a new marketing campaign that was entitled “Go Forth”. When I saw the first commercial with Walt Whitman’s “Pioneers! O Pioneers!” being spoken in the background I was captivated. More recently they have released a new ad that exemplifies the wonder of losing yourself.
“The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.” — Chris McCandless
Some people need to feel loved, others need fun, but we all need the possibilities that life can bring so that in case we don’t have love today or couldn’t rope up some fun right now, then we still have tomorrow to look forward to. You tend to find things when you’re not looking for them, so what if you chose not to look for anything, maybe then you could see everything? It’s a question because only you can figure it out but in order to do so, you have to get lost.
